Through the help of my first hypnotic therapy session, I saw myself as a small 2-year-old child .
With the help of my mind and the therapy, I came to see that I'd started building my very first emotional defense mechanism by then, in fact, it was fully in place .
My therapist asked, 'were you a happy child, or a sad child?' "Neutral." He repeated the question. Again, I said, 'Neutral.' 'Neutral isn't an emotional state,' which is true, and just as I was further exploring my overall state, I realised that no, I was not a happy child at that point, but I wasn't exactly sad either.
But if I wasn't happy, and I was positive I wasn't, where would 'neutral' fit into the scheme of things? Neutral would be me repressing my upset feelings, I guess. Yes. that's it. Why was I neutral? What cause did I have? now that we didn't get into, but I did get in touch, quite literally, which is to say emotionally and visually, with my inner child.
Yeah, I know. sounded like a whole load o crap to me when I first read about it; an excuse. A wimpy excuse, but trust me, they exist.
I got a very clear picture of my family's emotional states at that time as well, followed by a pictoral representation. Dad looked fine on the outside; on the inside, I could actual feel his immense sense of inadequacies as a man, as a human being. Mom reminded me of a large painting just above my pc, of this little girl's back as she's staring out into the big, wide, tumultuous ocean of water. That was mom at that point, fully realising the ramifications of what she'd married into. Poor mum. Ah well. All in the past. I did a little release work...but still I wondered, if I was being given the proper attention and care up until that point as a child, primarily from both mom and pop, *why* did I feel so fucking sad back then, *why*?
It made no sense to me.
And then I figured it out. Today I figured it out.
Mom was under so much shitty pressure and stress, I spose I put *my* needs behind hers. That was the point at which she said she made a decision between either going crazy , or continuing to live in the manner/state that she was in because, well, us kids needed a mom, and if she wasn't there to raise us, well, the alternative caregiver choices were quite frightening. Woah Joy.
Age two, and there I was, purposely (and purposefully) putting my emotional needs on the backburner, backseat, WHATEVER, because I knew mom had just *SO* much to handle. And really, I honestly, truly do not regret it. I didn't til a few days ago. I wish I hadn't felt the need to smother my fears and sadnesses because she had so much of her own to deal with, but that's just how close we were, even back then.
