i couldn't sleep last night. i kept having dreams about tim. that fucking worries me. :-(( that's becoming....more and more common, unfortunately...
one last night was: he comes back into town, stalks me, finds me, and pins me against the wall and kisses me....then all of a sudden, i'm standing against the door in that apartment, that god awful sick apartment bedroom door, and i'm back in that day back in october all over again. i was against the door, and he was kissing me, and he picked me up and dropped me on my back onto the bed. i thought it was playful, and it wasn't. there was something different in his eyes...should have recognized it. way too fucking familiar. (why the fuck can't i forget this?--i'm shaking now, just writing this) we were losing clothes...how did i let it go that far? and the whole time i was telling myself, 'say no you dumb bitch say no goddammit' and just like when it happened, the words couldn't form in my mouth, it was like i had forgotten how to speak...i was so... :-( [is ashamed] stoned....anyways, i was shaking my head, trying to say no, and so he couldn't find my lips to kiss me...i started crying after....god it seemed like forever, it couldn't have been more than 5-10 minutes....and he stopped and said 'what is it?' i still couldn't talk, he didn't realize he was doing something wrong...a lot of girls do cry their first time, so he thought that's what was going on...he mistook the shaking for something else...so he thought every thing was going well..... when he was done he laid down next to me, and i turned away from him, i couldn't look at him anymore. i kept hearing what my mom had said earlier 'don't do anything you're going to regret' and i remember rolling my eyes and blowing her off and saying 'whatever mom, i can take care of myself, i'll be fine. yes, mom i promise. don't you trust me?' he fell asleep naked next to me, i couldn't move, his arm was over top of me, and so i laid there--in complete shock. a million thoughts went through my head 'so i'm another statistic' 'why didn't i stop him?' 'oh god, what just happened...' '[dove] was right...oh god, why didn't i listen to her?'.... a lot of "why?"'s and "what if?"'s...his room mate came in and saw us lying there naked, half covered in sheets and said, 'oh, sorry to interrupt,' and walked out. he woke up and said 'let's go smoke another bowl' and well, oh god....kristina picked up on something wrong right away. we went out into the living room, and i sat in the arm chair, nearly catatonic. i barely moved for a half hour....i remember going home, and not kissing him goodbye. i didnt' want to touch him. i came home, angry and hurt and confused. i laid on my bed, and i didn't know what to think.
