I Could Have Gotten Detention For This
Stalker In Training
Vacations Don't Always Clear Your Head
Off to the Mountains
The Ones You Least Suspect
Don't Drive to Boston
I guess I'm sick of winter.
Obviously, I have family issues.
The Amazing Animated Slime Mold
Don't Think About Texas
David Sedaris Doesn't Have All the Answers
Even a Sock Puppet Can't Save Me
Upstaged
Makeshift Runway
The Death of Indie Boy
My Stalker Soulmate
Imaginary Friends
Indie Boy Falls in Love
What Are the Odds?
College In the Woods
Airport Under Attack
Bart Simpson, SUV Driver
More School Dreams
Dysfunctional Family Vacation
Three Mixed-Up Places
A Fine Educational Institution
Why I Shouldn't Go Back to High School
Please Make These High School Dreams Stop!
Slimy Fish, Blood, Bad Poetry, and Other Things of Annoyance
In Which I Get Hungry
The Weird Running Girl Cheers on the Team
Welcome Home to the Eve 6 Apartments
The Dorky Road Trip
Rich and Stupid
The Starving Shutterbug
A Wholesome Night Out
I Swear I Would Follow Anything... Just Get Me Out of Here
Not Quite as Fun as a Blue Light Special
I Challenge You To a Duel
Deja Vu, College Style
The Love Child That Wasn't
Just a Little Awkward
The Two Enthused Concertgoers
Shopgirl Beauty Queens
Why You Shouldn't Date Me
Five Beers to Forget
The Game Room Crack-Up
I Shocked the Monkey
Always Second Guessing
At the Movies
I watch too much syndicated TV.
When I go to New York, I'll know not to spend my entire visit in an elevator.
Speed Racer is Dead.
Night School
In Which I Become a Whiny Brat
Friend From Another Planet
How My Fanatically Popular Ex Became a Powerpuff Girl
Why I Don't Spend Spring Break At the Mall
More Reasons to Avoid Family Vacations
What Do I Hear When I Say I Hear the Call of the Road?
Grilled Cheese and the Magical John Updike
The Unmasked Ex
Trying to Forget Your Name
The Tribe Has Spoken
Shakespeare, Kung Fu, and the Manhattan Countryside
"So I'm standing in this rye field..." and other bad literary allusions.
Why I Avoid Family Vacations
The Forgotten Sister
Home Invasion
The Flying Train
Let's Just Be Friends
The Masochist Strikes Again
We be hangin' in sex ed, yo.
The Psychotic Psychologist
So It Goes
A Nacho Cheesier Reconciliation
The Rummage Sale That Wasn't
Ex-Boyfriend Dream #4007
Forgetful Me
How 'Bout No Longer Being Masochistic?
Birthday Bust
Big Time Shopper
Would you like fries and a hooker with that?
Every Night is Ladies' Night at The Crab Shack
Pseudo Revenge on the Ex
Holiday Party Reject Extraordinaire
The Time is Out of Joint
TV Heroines Don't Get Dumped for Gay Guys, Do They?
Holiday Cheer
The Distorted Boyfriend and Other Stories
It's the Cheesiest
Gone Snowboardin'
Laura comes home.
Going to Ithaca
Chris the Druggie

i never said goodbye
Old Boyfriend
DREAMS AND GHOSTS 2
Walls Crumbling
Another Invention
Ice lady
Metaphysical Spy Movie
John's pathetic proposal
it's a boy!
Public Shower
To Dream..August 15th 2003
ProactiveBehaviour
At the golfing range
My Tree
Club Classic
Parking
Hmm...
has it been 5 years already? *sigh* damn aliens.
The homicidal Afican-American and Me.
NONE
Lil Bro and the Scam Artists
The one with the person that drew the picture of hawkeye
THE GARDENER'S GHOST
Do it yourself Drug Testing
Dave and Randomness

Author: Frannyglass





I was in the parking lot of a shopping center when I decided I would go to a restaurant to get dinner. The only restaurant in the shopping center didn't have a sign, so I figured I'd try my luck and just go in. Inside, it was dark. There was an open kitchen, and Iron Chef Japanese was cooking a fish dinner. There were also three other guys behind the counter, helping the Iron Chef. They looked almost exactly like him.



I figured I would order the Iron Chef's dinner, just to be polite. There were a bunch of teenagers in the restaurant, and they were ordering all the side dishes but not the Iron Chef's dinner. I figured I would bring the fish stuff home to my non-vegetarian family.



I waited for a few minutes, then was handed the fish dinner on a large platter. It was a big ring of white fish, only half-cooked and still very slimy. A few leaves were used as a garnish. I hoped my family would like it.



I paid for it and headed out of the restaurant, wondering how the cooks survived in such a dark place all day. There were no windows and almost no lights.



I went outside. It was raining. I got in my car and started driving around aimlessly, eventually hitting the highway and taking a very roundabout way home.



I ended up in a field somewhere near my house. I was supposed to be taking a class there, and I was writing poetry. We were working on acrostic poems, where each first letter of the lines would spell out a word. Everyone in the class thought my name was Victoria. I decided I would use a cutesy nickname to serve as the word in my acrostic poem. I used "Vick," but I couldn't think of anything for the "k." By the time I realized that "Victoria" would work better, it was time for class to let out for the day.



Later, I was in my parents' bathroom, opening my mouth and looking at my teeth. I decided I needed to floss. My dad came in and said I needed to replace my false tooth.



I said, "I have a false tooth?"



He took hold of one of my bottom front teeth and yanked it out. I was surprised to see it was made of plaster. My mouth went numb and started bleeding. I became lightheaded as my mouth filled with blood. Then my dad took a tube of Aquafresh toothpaste and squeezed a glob of it in my mouth where the false tooth had been. He said I should let it dry like that for a while. I noticed that the toothpaste has begun to form the shape of a tooth. Of course, it had red and green stripes on it, but I hoped nobody would notice. I stuck a brown washcloth in my mouth to catch the blood, and then I said something about going off to work.

Andirons Andirons Andirons Andirons

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